self-loathing.

26Oct09

this entry is by no means your invitation to my pity party. i just think there comes a point where you need to sit down and reflect on yourself, your flaws, and how you can improve them. for the past week, to be honest, i’ve been kinda depressed, not in the best of moods, and trying to figure out why i’m having such a hard time meeting a nice guy. i do this every now and again – it passes. but now i have a blog to write about it in. but i had to take a break from this to gather my thoughts completely, hence no blogs in a week.

(and quite frankly, i also want to clear the air that despite writing about my crazy men experiences, my life is very boring. this past weekend i did my favorite thing in the world – nothing. it was marvelous.)

i have a lot of theories about myself. based on realities? maybe. do i have solid evidence? not at all. these are just some of the reasons i think why i can’t keep a man.

1. i’m a bad kisser. there have only been a few incidents where i have actually hooked up with a guy more than once. i tend to see guys i have hooked up with in the past and the next time they see me after the incident, they want nothing to do with me. if this happened once, i’d be like okay, whatever. but i can count on more than one hand the times this has happened.

2. i’m forgettable. i’ve said this before – i don’t think people remember me and i tend to just blend in with the crowd. i’m okay with that to an extent. but when i’ve shared conversation with you for a while or spent an extraordinary amount of time with you, i don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to remember my face. i am literally reintroduced to the same people over and over again. another element to being forgettable is just that – people forgetting to invite you to things. this has happened to me all my life. i always get second-rate invites or no invites at all and then people go to me “where were you?” umm i didn’t know, asshole. as i’m getting older i’ve started to take a stand against people who forget about me – but it always comes back and nips me in the butt. i can’t win.

3. i’m intimidating. diet cranberry juice told me once that i can’t get a bf because i hold all men up to the celebrities that i meet. he couldn’t be farther from the truth. in fact, over the years i’ve learned not to even tell guys when i first meet them about my job. you literally have to play 20 questions with me cause for some reason that i sorta get, guys get super-weird when i mention to them that i interview celebs for a living (ps teenage celebs – really?!).

4. i’m a slut. kissing slut, maybe – i’ll give you that. but i can count the number of guys i’ve slept with on one hand. i was a virgin until i was 21. and really, i only kiss guys now that i actually know. there’s a running joke with my group of friends on who will be the next guy i’ll kiss. some people would be offended – i just laughed at it. it’s funny, i get it. you try being single.

5. i’m not attractive. i lost a lot of weight with in the past few years. i’m by no means skinny (could def afford to lose a few more lbs), but just naturally as your body changes, so does your confidence. for me, it was confidence with guys. i won’t totally shy away like i used to or make out with the first guy who gave me attention, no matter who he is. but there are times i look in the mirror and still see that same lonely girl that i was two years ago. i’ve been seeing her a lot lately.

6. i let things roll off my shoulders too quickly. this is the one i know is a fact. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve deleted the phrase “but i didn’t care” from my blog entries and still some make the cut! i need to learn to grow a set and actually man-up for things i believe in. i’m not talking about starting arguments, but if mr. new years wants to try to get with me again, i need to tell him “you hurt me. no.” instead of, “oh let’s try this one more time!” i’m a pushover. i get it from my mom. i yell at her all the time for this trait.

7. i can’t figure this one out, but there must be some reason why people won’t set me up. i’d like to think i have a good personality. i have a good job. i think i’m not entirely psycho. i may not be a beauty queen but WHY WON’T PEOPLE SET ME UP?! all my friends set their other friends up. i don’t get it! this actually infuriates me. it has nothing to do with the fact about getting a date, it has more to do with the fact that when my friends know a single guy, they’ll think of someone else to set him up with besides me. i’ve been set up once – and i ended up dating the guy. the last time i tried to be set up, the person who set me and this guy up also talked up her other friend to him during the same night.

your turn: what do you not like about yourself? do you have any crazy theories like i do?

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