weddings.

11Nov09

hi blog. how are you? long time no talk. my apologies.

one of my roommates from college got married on sunday. it was weird. not for them – they’ve been dating since they were 14. (all together now: awwww) but it was weird for me to be emotionally attached to the person wearing the white dress. i just kept staring at her the whole day and was like, “she’s married.” i was sad. i was happy. i was confused. i was depressed.

i have a really hard time grasping the fact of committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life. this isn’t a slut thing at all – it’s just the thought of, wow, you love someone so much that you only want them in your life. you would die for this person, you would give them the world if you could. maybe it’s because i’ve never experienced that kind of emotion. it’s just mind boggling to me. like how do you know? i know they say you’ll know when it’s right – but why does it take longer for some? did i meet my “one and only” and not realize? did the moment pass me by? these are the things things that keep me awake at night.

i cry at weddings – all of them. real weddings, weddings on tv, even just the though of “here comes the bride.” but i didn’t cry on sunday. i think i was in a state of total shock. it was the weirdest thing for me. if you can’t tell i’m having a hard time describing it. i think it comes down to the fact that, not playing the drama queen card, but i think that the girl in the white dress will never be me.

i always joke that i want to elope. i think there is something very sexy about two people in love being secretive and getting married just for them. no hoopla, no fuss – just love. and an elvis impersonator.

but truth be told, i dream about having a wedding. i dream about wearing my perfect a-line off-white dress with christian louboutin heels and walking down the aisle at my grandpa’s church. i dream about seeing all my bridesmaids in dark red dresses holding bouquets of flowers in deep red, purple and pink, which, of course, echos the centerpieces that will be at my dream reception – at the chart house over looking the nyc skyline. there will be cute trendy foods like mini burgers and paninis and my husband and i will do our first dance to “just the way you are” by billy joel. the room will be dimly lit and the main source of lighting will be candles all over the room. the dj won’t hand out hokey things like glow necklaces and leis and will not play the macarena. we will dance the night away into the wee hours of the morning and the party will be so fab that it will continue on at the after party where we’ll all get into sweats and my husband and i will eventually sneak off… and fall asleep for the first time together as husband and wife.

hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

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